Destini's Coming Home!

I am so excited! My 14 yr old daughter, Destini, will be coming home on Sunday. I have missed her terribly, but I truly think that her time away was good for everyone.

Most of my readers don't know this, but Destini has long been our "problem child". Now before anyone gets their panties in a wad and starts sending me hate mail about how dare I refer to my child in such a way, climb down off your high horse and hear me out. We all have one. S/He may not be the Dennis the Menace that fills your nose spray with mouth wash, but every single one of us has a child that takes just a little more patience, a little more energy and a lot more humility. They're the kid that makes you go to bed at night wondering what the hell were you thinking.

I love Destini just as much as any other mother loves thier first born. She is creative, sensitive and passionate about the things she likes (ok, obsessive maybe). But those same qualities can be what makes her unbearable, just the same. Without going into too much detail, we have been through hell and high water with Destini since she was 3 years old; from tantrums to stealing other kids lunches to involving social services for the sake of the attention. After a very serious bullying incident at school, Steve & I were at our wits end and my father stepped in, offering to have her go out to California to stay with him for a while. Perhaps the change of setting and my father's well known structured discipline would make her realize that rules are rules and they must be followed, regardless where you are. On May 17th, I said my teary-eyed goodbyes to my daughter as she & Steve left for the drive to the desert of California.

Things here at home calmed immensely, as we didn't have the day-to-day fights & drama of Destini to deal with. But Imissed her. Her, not the drama. The drama was clearly in California now. But my dad seemed to be able to set her straight pretty quickly and over the course of the next few months, I could tell she was mellowing out. Come to find out, Destini got the pleasure of being on the other side of the fence. See, my dad lives with his girlfriend, who happens to have a 12 yr old daughter. Destini quickly got to experience what it was like to live with someone who had little respect for others. Suddenly, it wasn't so fun to be on the receiving end.

There were many times I could have jumped in and insisted my daughter come home. Afterall, what mother wants to see their child be the victim of someone elses disrespect? But I knew that this was the only way Destini was going to understand how her own disrespect - of her parents, sisters, classmates and herself - can hurt other people. To boot, this girls mom (dad's GF) apparently never punishes her daughter. So not only has Destini experienced being treated like crap, she sees what happens when others get away with it.

I won't go into what ultimately led up to Destini coming home. It's an ugly situation that would make some people look really bad if I wrote about it. But just that everyone knows, it was NOT anything Destini did. Other people became very ugly people! Right now, I am focusing on the positive of my Big D coming home and keeping hopeful that this time away is precisely what she needed to gain some perspective and change her attitude.

A lot of people, including my own mother, would chastise me for "sending my daughter away because I couldn't deal with her anymore". So let me be clear. This time away was not about me or about getting her out of our way. This was about giving her a different perspective, in a different setting to see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I am a tough love kind of parent. I would rather send her away someplace where she can gain perspective and still be loved, than for her to make a life changing mistake and end up in juvenile hall where she'll never come out the same person. I consider it preventative maintenance!

I would welcome the opportunity to chat with other mothers that have been, or are headed down the same road I'm on now. Please feel free to follow me on Twitter at @threedsmom

School Reform or Parent Reform?

Education is a huge priority in our house. Neither Steve nor I ever finished college, and even now at 43, Steve is struggling through finally getting his degree. We have had to learn the hard way the life long consequences of foregoing a college education, making us a little more obsessive than some when it comes to pushing our kids to do well in school.



Extra-curricular activities and sports are great, but in our home, they are of little to no real importance in the big scheme of things. Steve grew up playing baseball and football, but rarely picks up a ball even today. I grew up dancing and was on the high school drill team and cheer squad. I still love both, but I'm lucky if I can accomplish a high kick or a push up these days. Our childhood loves have long taken a back seat to the reality of adulthood as we work our 40 hour work week using our brains, not our brawn.



I read an article in the Sunday paper yesterday that talked about school reform and how there has been little progress in student achievement over the course of the last 30 years. Reading and math test scores for 17 yr olds haven't increased enough to even make it worth measuring.

"The most reliable tests are given by the National Assessment of Educational Progress. The reading and math tests, graded on a 0-500 scale, measure 9-year-olds, 13-year-olds and 17-year-olds. In 1971, the initial year for the reading test, the average score for 17-year-olds was 285; in 2008, the average score was 286. The math test started in 1973, when 17-year-olds averaged 304; in 2008, the average was 306." Read more: Let's face it: School "reform" can't change students - The Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/samuelson/ci_15989874#ixzz0ylMRh6cX



To me, this is beyond sad. But then, I got to thinking about it. Is it really the fault of the teachers? Funding? Our government? In my opinion, the answer is a resounding "NO". It's OUR fault. Yes, that's right -- OUR FAULT. I'm speaking as in you and I. You and I, parents of America!



Ask yourself: How many hours a week does your child spend practicing, competing or performing any extra-curricular activities? Does their sport take precedence over school work or family dinners most nights of the week? If your child's teacher raised the bar and expected more from your child academically, would you welcome it? Or complain because it interferes with the dance classes you are paying for?



I had my first ah-ha moment a few years ago when attending a parent-teacher conference for my then 4th grader. "Standards" say that kids should have 10 minutes of homework for every grade, plus their nightly reading and math facts practice. When I found that my 4th grader was spending less than the standard 40 minutes on everything, I couldn't help but question and become concerned, so I asked her teacher, "Is it just me, or do they just not get much homework?" The teacher's response not only astounded me, but sent a twinge of resentment through me at the same time.



"It's a balancing act. I have just as many parents complain that there is too much homework. Kids are so busy these days, its hard to send home the right amount of homework."



The lack of focus on studies is not about budgets, teachers or curriculum. It's about keeping parents happy. Every parent think their kids is going to be the next Carmello Anthony or Dakota Fanning. And while there are some kids that have a wonderfully natural gift for all things famous, we as parents are kidding ourselves and creating an American standard that is making us less than competitive in the academic world.



I'm not innocent in this, by any means. At one point, I had 2 girls playing volleyball and one in gymnastics. We ran around town 2-3 nights a week, eating late dinners and hoping the teachers went easy on practice or game nights. But it took my husbands convictions to make me realize that no matter how great a volleyball player or gymnast my daughters became, our mind is what is going to ultimately sustain us throughout life.



My fellow Gen X parents, it's time to wake up. Our kids are capable of so much more and we're not only short-changing them, we're short-changing an entire emerging generation. These kids are going to grow up thinking that everything will be handed to them and that people make concessions in the real-world to accommodate their "extra-curricular" activities. School work is no longer something kids have to work at to be 4.0 students - case in point: my 7th grade daughter is nearly a straight-A student, and spends a meager 30-45 minutes a night on homework. I don't blame her teachers. I blame the parents who complain when the kids have the appropriate 70 minutes of homework but don't get it done because their kid had a soccer game.



Things in our community have not changed. One daughter still pays volleyball. She has practice 2 nights a week and games on Saturday mornings. Saturday games are fine, although I'm still pretty perturbed at 6:30pm practices in the middle of the week. What ever happened to practice right after school so kids can go home and focus on family and studies afterward? But, we have definitely become more aware. We only allow one activity at a time and C's are completely unacceptable. The way we see it, American standards are not high enough to make a C acceptable, and if you cant pull A's and B's while playing a sport, than maybe you shouldn't be playing a sport.



If you think I'm blowing smoke, I challenge you to do your own homework. Compare your child's school & test scores with those nationwide (you can do this at www.GreatSchools.org) then go to www.broadeducation.org to enlighten yourself about how we're stacking up around the world.



Our kids can do so much better than this. In the words of Tina Chekan, principal at McKeesport Propel School in Pennsylvania, "children will rise and fall to expectations." Is your child rising or falling?

Leave the Umbrella

As I contemplated beginning this blog, it took me an enormous amount of time and thought - very deep thought - about what I wanted it to convey and consequently, how to title it. When I reflect on my life at 35 years old, I cannot ignore the trials I have had to endure, as a child, a young adult and as a wife and mother. Yes, there will always be those who have had it worse than I, this I know, and this blog is not meant to trivialize those who have had to face unthinkable things in their life. But my life is just that, my life. And like anyone else, my experiences have been mine, good, bad and ugly.

If there is anything that I have learned thus far, it is that life is not just about dancing in the rain and enduring life's storms. But it's more about making myself vulnerable enough to leave the umbrella inside and feel the rain drops on my face. It's about facing the emotions of those trials and using those emotions to learn about who I am at the deepest core of my being; Not the person my mom and dad tried to raise, not the mother the parenting magazines say I should be, and not even the wife and woman the people at church say I am supposed to be. For so many years, I buried emotions and justified my choices, never completely understanding my own motivation, let alone having a deep understanding of my own values.

I suppose you could say that this blog is a paradigm shift in the making. I want to expereince life based on the idea of my mind, body and spirit being in sync with oneanother. I want to FEEL every one of my life expereinces, past and present, and not just "endure" the tough times. I want to be alert and aware of what each moment of each day means. I want to appreciate the little moments, embrace the big ones and live life to it's fullest. And part of that means leaving my umbrella inside.