I am so excited! My 14 yr old daughter, Destini, will be coming home on Sunday. I have missed her terribly, but I truly think that her time away was good for everyone.
Most of my readers don't know this, but Destini has long been our "problem child". Now before anyone gets their panties in a wad and starts sending me hate mail about how dare I refer to my child in such a way, climb down off your high horse and hear me out. We all have one. S/He may not be the Dennis the Menace that fills your nose spray with mouth wash, but every single one of us has a child that takes just a little more patience, a little more energy and a lot more humility. They're the kid that makes you go to bed at night wondering what the hell were you thinking.
I love Destini just as much as any other mother loves thier first born. She is creative, sensitive and passionate about the things she likes (ok, obsessive maybe). But those same qualities can be what makes her unbearable, just the same. Without going into too much detail, we have been through hell and high water with Destini since she was 3 years old; from tantrums to stealing other kids lunches to involving social services for the sake of the attention. After a very serious bullying incident at school, Steve & I were at our wits end and my father stepped in, offering to have her go out to California to stay with him for a while. Perhaps the change of setting and my father's well known structured discipline would make her realize that rules are rules and they must be followed, regardless where you are. On May 17th, I said my teary-eyed goodbyes to my daughter as she & Steve left for the drive to the desert of California.
Things here at home calmed immensely, as we didn't have the day-to-day fights & drama of Destini to deal with. But Imissed her. Her, not the drama. The drama was clearly in California now. But my dad seemed to be able to set her straight pretty quickly and over the course of the next few months, I could tell she was mellowing out. Come to find out, Destini got the pleasure of being on the other side of the fence. See, my dad lives with his girlfriend, who happens to have a 12 yr old daughter. Destini quickly got to experience what it was like to live with someone who had little respect for others. Suddenly, it wasn't so fun to be on the receiving end.
There were many times I could have jumped in and insisted my daughter come home. Afterall, what mother wants to see their child be the victim of someone elses disrespect? But I knew that this was the only way Destini was going to understand how her own disrespect - of her parents, sisters, classmates and herself - can hurt other people. To boot, this girls mom (dad's GF) apparently never punishes her daughter. So not only has Destini experienced being treated like crap, she sees what happens when others get away with it.
I won't go into what ultimately led up to Destini coming home. It's an ugly situation that would make some people look really bad if I wrote about it. But just that everyone knows, it was NOT anything Destini did. Other people became very ugly people! Right now, I am focusing on the positive of my Big D coming home and keeping hopeful that this time away is precisely what she needed to gain some perspective and change her attitude.
A lot of people, including my own mother, would chastise me for "sending my daughter away because I couldn't deal with her anymore". So let me be clear. This time away was not about me or about getting her out of our way. This was about giving her a different perspective, in a different setting to see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I am a tough love kind of parent. I would rather send her away someplace where she can gain perspective and still be loved, than for her to make a life changing mistake and end up in juvenile hall where she'll never come out the same person. I consider it preventative maintenance!
I would welcome the opportunity to chat with other mothers that have been, or are headed down the same road I'm on now. Please feel free to follow me on Twitter at @threedsmom
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